Forged for the Frontlines: Adorning the Gospel

Missionary Criteria #4: Godly Relationships

A missionary candidate should love others, have good communications skills, and show an ability to work through difficulties with others. They should be faithful, trustworthy, responsible, and show genuine interest in other people. This applies to every kind of relationship.

Relationships

At Radius, we filter all of our training through the reality that we could give our lives to the missionary cause, but if we do it without humility, faithfulness, love, and sacrificial living, we will not have done it the Christian way. 

No missionary knows exactly what the Lord will allow them to accomplish in their lifetime. We often say, “The Lord will do what He wants, when He wants, and with whomever He wants.” While it is true that the Lord builds His Church and the gates of Hell will not prevail against it (Matthew 16:18), none of us are promised a specific role in that process, nor do we know when He will choose to move among a particular people.

What we do know for certain is this: to be Christian is to live humbly, walk faithfully, love one another, and serve like our Savior, all to the glory of God. This truth is especially helpful when assessing missionary candidates in the area of relationships.

Pioneer missionary work is not for the fainthearted. It often attracts those “hard-charging” individuals—what we used to call in the Army, “high speed.” Because of that, we must ensure that candidates filter all they do in the missionary task through a commitment to faithful living in their relationships.

No pastor can say, “I’m too busy being a pastor to be a faithful husband, father, or friend.” Neither can a missionary.

In my ten years of working with missionaries, I have seen that failures in five key relationships make up the lion’s share of reasons why missionaries return home before their work is finished.

Marriage

For the missionary couple, there are three key areas to guard:

1. Unity. Unity between husband and wife is always a blessing, but on the field it is essential. This unity begins in a shared desire and commitment to Christ, and extends to a shared commitment to cross-cultural church planting. In the States, a husband or wife doesn’t necessarily have to love or be invested in their spouse’s job. On the field, however, nothing is more disastrous than one spouse being fully “bought in” while the other is merely “dutifully following,” miserable, and depressed. Such a dynamic can quickly make staying on the field unsustainable. Husbands must “live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7).

2. Communication. Spouses must maintain open, honest, and ongoing communication. In my own experience, it is often my wife who is most aware of the needs of others and of our children. That awareness must be heard and valued. Without strong communication, the demands of ministry can overtake a missionary’s ability to love and serve those closest to them.

3. Conflict resolution. Couples must learn to face difficult situations together in a godly, cooperative way. This means confronting problems as a united team, avoiding blame-shifting, and resisting the temptation to work independently of each other.

Parenting

Ephesians 6:4 charges Christian parents to raise their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” In training parents for missionary life, we emphasize two key points:

1. A biblical view of children. Children are a gift from the Lord, entrusted to parents for a time, to be trained and then sent out in His service. They are not to be idolized as the center of the family’s universe, nor are they to be treated as a burden. We see families err in both directions.

2. Involving children in ministry. In the States, it’s common for parents’ work and children’s lives to remain distinct. On the field, this separation can be dangerous. Children who don’t understand why their family is overseas often grow resentful. Modern communication and travel make it easy for children to see what they’re missing back home. Unless they grasp the privilege of being part of God’s work, they may grow bitter. That bitterness, while destructive for the child, will influence the long-term ministry of that family as well.

Dating and Singleness

Two issues regularly arise with single missionaries:

1. Singleness. In my time with Radius International, the only reason I have seen singles leave the field—apart from health concerns—is the belief that they would never find a spouse if they stayed on the field. The prospect of lifelong singleness was too much to bear. Many Christian young people struggle with understanding what it means to have “the gift of singleness” (1 Corinthians 7:6–8). Time doesn’t allow us to answer that question here but suffice to say, what feels like a blessing and freedom at the outset can feel like a burden under the stress of missionary life. Candidates must have honest conversations about their desires and what they are prepared to endure, in the Spirit’s power, for the sake of the Great Commission.

2. Dating. Singles must be willing to bring trusted counsel into their dating decisions, even when far from home and church oversight. Distance from their local church and family does not remove the need for older, wiser believers to speak into their lives. Dating couples must also avoid allowing their relationship to eclipse ministry responsibilities or other vital relationships.

Living with Others’ Children

This is rarely a consideration in one’s home church, but on the field it is crucial. Being aware of and involved in teammates’ children’s lives can have a major impact on those children’s development and on team health.

Few in the local community will understand the pressures those families face. Depending on how the children are integrated (or not) into local culture, teammates may be the most significant outside influence in their lives. Investing time, energy, and resources into teammates’ children not only strengthens them, relieves some of the burden on their parents, but also communicates a teammate’s care and concern for the parents. This kind of concern goes a long way in building strong and healthy teams.

Closing Thoughts

In his sermon Abiding in Christ, Hudson Taylor said: 

“If you don't shine at home—if your father and mother, your sister and brother, if the very cat and dog in the house are not the better and happier for your being a Christian, it is a question whether you really are one.”

I think that we would all agree with this. But we must know that, for this to be the case, we must, to Taylor’s point, abide in Christ. As a missionary abides in Christ, He will, by His Spirit, enable the missionary to be faithful in all of the things that our Lord has given him to do. Not just the tasks of learning language, planting a church, starting a business, or ministering to those in need, but also the tasks of cultivating godly relationships. These marriages and friendships, when healthy, adorn the message of the gospel to those we share it with.